


Kylo Ren Steals A Bunch Of Cats

by do_it_to_julia, emrisemrisemris, Kastaka



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Cats, False moustaches, Gen, General Hux's skincare regime, Humor, Kylo Ren's walk-in wardrobe, Poor Dopheld Mitaka, Round Robin, Starship Titanic, that video, the rathtar incident on deck six
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 11:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20488514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/do_it_to_julia/pseuds/do_it_to_julia, https://archiveofourown.org/users/emrisemrisemris/pseuds/emrisemrisemris, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kastaka/pseuds/Kastaka
Summary: I invited my long-suffering facebook friends to collaborate with me on a Star Wars fanfic.This was the result.





	Kylo Ren Steals A Bunch Of Cats

**Author's Note:**

> Credit is also due to D1 and D2, neither of whom have AO3 accounts, more's the pity.

Kylo Ren stomped back to his quarters, slicing a droid in half with his lightsaber on the way. He was feeling frustrated, because that nuisance Hux had told him that his plan to personally kill people on live broadcast until the Resistance had to come out of hiding to stop him was 'wasteful' and 'unlikely to have the desired effect'. Since when did he answer to a man who owned multiple outfits for his cat? He hated that smug, narcissistic asshole, with his self-satisfied smirk and his fire-bright hair and his tight, surprisingly well-toned skin.  
  
Kylo had lowered himself to ask Hux about his skincare regime exactly once - exposure to the dark side was known to be hell on the complexion, it paid to shop around - and had left the conversation vowing revenge after Hux had recommended him an anti-ageing retinol cream and patronizingly referred to his skin as "oily". It was "combination" at best, and really, the threat of drying out was much more important given the shriveled state of most long-time Dark Side masters. Clearly he was just going to have to carry on bathing in the blood of his slain enemies for now, even though it made his fresher smell awful and he was kind of worried it would give him hepatitis.  
  
Suddenly, just a corridor or two away from his secluded rooms, he ran across the notably clear-skinned and baby-faced Lieutenant Mitaka standing next to an air vent holding a bag of cat treats and swearing. From within the vent came an obstinate hissing.  
  
Kylo was struck by a sudden impish impulse. He stretched out his Force senses, questing for a spark of life within the confines of the air vent and found, much to his surprise, not just one, but a small group of tiny, weak, mewling life signs. It looked like at least one member of the crew had been getting some - but from where? Surely there couldn't be  _ two _ people on this level inane enough to bring their cat to work.  
  
Mitaka, who had frozen in terror the instant he approached, finally stuttered out, "Can I h-help you with something, Supreme Leader?"  
  
Kylo thought for a moment, and then said, "Yes. Fetch me the tom cat responsible. Now."  
  
He did enjoy seeing Mitaka panic; it was like kicking a puppy, which was a thing Kylo also liked to do because it was Dark Side as fuck.  
  
"But sir, there are currently over three hundred male cats attached to personnel in this section alone," the Lieutenant protested. "I might be some time convincing medbay to let me perform a DNA test on a kitten, not to mention the fact that I can't get them out of this vent to begin with."  
  
"I want that cat, Lieutenant," replied Kylo menacingly and put one hand to the hilt of his lightsaber, which was enough to make Mitaka drop the bag of cat treats in his rush to simultaneously salute and back away.  
  
"Sir, I ..."  
  
"Silence!" ordered Kylo, cutting his subordinate off. "I will have that cat, even if I must order you to dismantle this section to find it!"  
  
Meanwhile, a mouse droid, alerted by the spilled treats, rounded the corner and began attempting, badly, to sweep up.  
  
Cats loved mice, and so, logically, it followed that cats would also love mouse droids. Sure enough, out from the vent came a questing pink nose, followed by a tiny white paw with perfect pink toebeans. Swiftly followed by another, and another, until the vent contained no kittens at all, and the corridor contained five kittens, varying in colour from completely white, black and white, to a completely black kitten, which regarded Kylo Ren with a feline disregard. With tiny squeaks, the kittens fell upon the pouch of cat treats, rending it asunder.  
  
Kylo Ren felt his heart fill with rage and hatred that such beauty could exist in the world. With a snarl, he activated his lightsaber and was promptly blindsided by a furious Millicent, who emerged from the vent with maternal protectiveness coalescing around her like a nimbus. Yowling, she attached herself to Kylo's face with her front paws and began to liberally decorate his chin and neck with scratches from her back claws. Momentarily derailed, Kylo screeched and stumbled back against the nearest bulkhead, dropping his lightsaber in his effort to pry the hissing ball of fury from his face.  
  
Mitaka grabbed the cat from behind and shouted "I'll save you, Supreme Leader!" as he attempted to disentangle Millicent's claws from Kylo's hair. It was rather closer than Kylo had ever been to Mitaka before, and that is why he had never noticed quite how much cat hair had accumulated on Mitaka's uniform. Suspiciously black and white, and concentrated around the legs of his johdpurs as if it had been deposited there by a cat winding around his feet before -  
  
"You!" Roared Kylo, summoning his saber back into his hand and pointing accusingly at Mitaka with the other hand, as Mitaka tried to contain the hissing, biting whirlwind that Millicent had transformed into. "You knew General Hux is obsessed with his cat! This was a ploy to get close to him, by having YOUR cat illegitimately sire her kittens!"  
  
"No, Supreme Leader, I swear," protested Dopheld, "Darth Snuggles is such a timid cat; I have to use a cloaking device to trim his nails." He had the grace to look embarrassed. "It couldn't possibly have been him - unless... oh, no... what if this vent leads to my room too? What if Hux released Millie into the vent on purpose?" Mitaka bit his lip. "I try to stay out of his way, he's so busy, but I've been running into him in all sorts of odd places lately, and I'm starting to suspect it isn't an accident."  
  
Jealousy surged in Kylo's chest - not that he even liked that little ginger menace - but the whole incident was bringing back painful memories of having to send his own feline companion to safety lest Snoke decide to use Anakit in a Dark Side lesson. Why should everyone else be able to benefit from the comfort of these animals, when the Supreme Leader himself couldn't keep a cat of his own?  
  
Well, that was all going to change now he was in charge.  
  
"Put the kittens in a box and bring them to my quarters," he ordered Mitaka. "I'm requisitioning them. And while you're at it, get your cat fixed before he starts creating a population issue."  
  
With that, he strode off purposefully, already imagining the new Order of fearsome kitten knights he was going to create; he would call them the Claws of Ren, and the galaxy would tremble before them!  
  
"Sir," Mitaka said helplessly behind him, "they're not nearly old enough to leave their mother. Should I bring Millicent with them?"  
  
Ren briefly entertained the idea of finding some kind of surrogate cat, or maybe just having Petty Officer Thanisson dress up in a cat onesie, but he soon dismissed it, and said, "Yes, I think that would be appropriate. Be sure to inform Hux afterwards. Dismissed."  
  
He left Mitaka in the corridor, savouring the subtlety of the plan - a new order of cats under his sole control,  _ and _ a chance to make Hux finally divulge the secrets of his skincare routine, in exchange for Millie's safe return. It was perfect!  
  
Meanwhile, further down the air vent, Rey listened to Ren's retreating boots and the sound of Mitaka vainly attempting to corral kittens, and took her hand away from Poe's mouth.  
  
"I  _ said _ ," he whispered affrontedly, "we could use this to our advantage. If this vent leads to Hux's room, we could plant a listening device."  
  
"But Hux knows about the existence of the vent," Rey whispered back. "No - we need to think bigger. We need to plant it on the kittens. They'll get everywhere, and we'll soon have a network of spies all across the ship!"  
  
Poe raised his eyebrows, impressed. "It's a good idea, but how are we gonna get access to the kittens? Ren's just taken them off in a box. Unless... we can - wait, that's it!" Poe exclaimed. "We pretend to be vets! Do you still have those novelty moustaches in your back pocket?"  
  
"You're a genius!" replied Rey excitedly. "All we need to do now is find some white lab coats, and we can bug the kittens right under Ren's nose!"  
  
Poe spoke into his comm. "BB-8, where's the nearest laundry room?"  
  


* * *

  
Back in Kylo Ren's quarters, the Supreme Leader was watching the kittens attempting vigorously to disembowel one another, when his comm beeped.  
  
"This is Lieutenant Mitaka, sir. I informed General Hux that you were keeping Millicent. You should know that he's threatened to, um, 'publish the video, he knows which one', were his exact words, sir, unless you give his cat back immediately."  
  
Ren froze. Surely not even Hux would sink to such depths of honourless depravity as to release the secretly-obtained footage of him clutching a picture of his beloved pet cat and sobbing like a baby? Poor Anakit, who had been run over by a speeder shortly after Kylo had sent him away for his own safety... he'd never even got to say goodbye…  
  
Grief and anger rose within him. "Tell the General I will see him at his earliest convenience."  
  
He cut the call, ignoring whatever Mitaka tried to say in response, and only then heard the sound of voices murmuring just outside his door.  
  
Leaving the kittens to their snuggling and tumbling on the bed, Kylo opened the door, and at the sight of the two moustachioed figures in lab coats, he was grudgingly impressed at Mitaka's organisational capabilities to get not one but two of the harried onboard veterinary techs dispatched so quickly. On the other hand, checking over a litter of genetically unremarkable kittens was probably a plum assignment compared to their usual duties of caring for the deceased Supreme Leader Snoke's collection of Pomeranians (who had been trained to crave human flesh) or administering baths to violently objecting cats.  
  
"Come in," he said brusquely as they shuffled into the room, the younger one clutching her moustache as if horrified by his presence. Good, at least someone was showing Kylo the respect he deserved today. He made a mental note to put her forward for a commendation.  
  
"See to the kittens and leave," he barked. "I wish to ensure that they're free of disease, ideologically sound, and fit for ground combat." That was a phrase he'd heard Hux use which sounded suitably leaderly, although now he thought about it he might have been referring to stormtroopers. "You have half an hour."  
  
It would give him enough time to clear out his wardrobe and throw out anything that was no longer sufficiently black. The male vet adjusted his moustache and said "Absolutely, Your Supremeness."  
  
They bent to work over the pile of kittens, the woman producing from the pocket of her oversized lab coat a tool that resembled nothing so much as the injector they used to install covert surveillance chips in some of their troopers. Interesting. Cogs began to turn in Kylo's brain, and he started worrying for the safety of kittens prepared for ground combat. "Belay that part about ground combat," he said, to which the male vet looked up and said;  
  
"Of course, Your Leadership. Should we give them piloting implants instead?"  
  
That was certainly an option, thought Kylo, as he imagined kittens dreaming of aerial superiority dogfights (catfights?) against the local avian population.  
  
Shaking his dreams aside, he nodded curtly to the two vet techs to get on with it, and headed for his walk-in wardrobe.  
  
As the wardrobe doors hissed shut behind him, Rey adjusted the cursed moustache for the eighteenth time and whispered "I can't believe he would tell us to give kittens piloting implants! Do they even make them for nonhumans at all?"  
  
"Nope," said Poe under his breath, "'cuz they're racist. Wait a minute, what the hell is Millicent doing here? That cat is basically Hux's baby!"  
  
A loud, irate banging on the door a second later was accompanied by the muffled yet familiar voice of the General. "I know she's in there, Ren!"  
  
Poe and Rey looked at one another in horror, adjusted their moustaches and bent over their kitten-related work, hoping to blend into the background.  
  
Unfortunately, at the sound of her beloved daddy's voice, Millicent jumped up from the pile of kittens and bounded over to the door, catching Poe Dameron's moustache in the process. Poe scrambled to grab it back, but was too late. He looked around in desperation, and seized the only other black fuzzy thing to hand, which was one of the kittens.  
  
The door hissed open, and there stood General Hux, his face contorted with rage.  
  
"Ren!" he roared, gathering Millicent up into his arms, and taking no notice of the kitten-moustached Poe Dameron as yet, "I insist you explain this callous mistreatment of Millicent and her brood, immediately! And what are these veterinary technicians doing on this floor? I ordered all qualified staff to the rathtar incident on deck six twenty minutes ago!"  
  
The wardrobe door slammed back in its socket, and Poe and Rey hurried to bug the last two or three kittens as Kylo stormed into the room.  
  
"There will be no explanations until you agree to my terms, General," he sneered, the effect marred only slightly by the white cat fur all over his robes. "Give me the secret of your ten-step routine, or delete all copies of That Video, or who knows what will happen to your precious baby's precious babies?"  
  
To emphasize the point, he picked one up, but the amount he was clearly cradling the kitten extremely carefully rather derailed that, so instead he tried a different tack: "... Alright, well, maybe I'll just keep Millicent here to care for my new disciples and you will never see her again."  
  
"Your new-? Oh, this is preposterous. Aside from anything else, I have Millie right here, and those kittens are far too young to be separated from her unless you fancy waking up every four hours to bottle-feed them and wipe their arses with a damp towel. No, if I'm going to divulge that particular secret, it'll take more than your empty threats," Hux said contemptuously. He paid proper attention to the two cowering vets for the first time. "And you two, report to Deck 6 immediately and inform everyone that if they are not done with cleanup in the next hour, you are to be used as bait."  
  
Not overlooking a chance to scurry out, the two infiltrators made to leave, but Kylo's abrupt command of "wait" made them freeze in place. He eyed them both suspiciously.  
  
"You cannot expect me to believe that kitten is your real moustache?" Because, of course, Poe was still holding the kitten to his face.  
  
Dropping his head, ostensibly out of shame but really to obscure his own features, the Resistance Pilot gently extended the kitten toward Kylo, who duly floated it toward himself with the Force. Now the Supreme Leader was holding TWO tiny fuzzy kittens, and Rey thought for a moment that the First Order might do better with recruitment if they put something like that on the posters instead.  
  
With Poe cowering behind her, she hurried for the door, only to trip over yet another kitten, sending her moustache flying through the air. On landing on the floor, it was immediately pounced on by Millie, who brought it proudly over to her brood as a demonstration in catching small prey.  
  
Kylo stared at the two frozen Resistance operatives before him. "Huh," he said. "Weird. You two look exactly like high ranking Resistance operatives. Hux, you should really reassign them to covert intelligence."  
  
"I'm not sending  _ vets _ to work in Intel, Ren," replied Hux derisively, as Rey and Poe scuttled out. "And stop changing the subject! I demand you stop this nonsense and return those kittens, before I release that video to the entire galaxy!"  
  
"No!" protested Kylo, clutching the two kittens protectively to his chest as the Force roiled around him. He leaned into the Dark Side, centering himself. "So maybe I pretended to be scared of it to get you here, but would you really? I don't think you would. Not when you were in it too."  
  
Hux sneered at the suggestion. "Who looks worse out of this," he countered, "the one of us who is meant to have transcended human weaknesses like compassion, or the one known across the Order for being a soft touch who cries at the end of  _ Starship Titanic _ ?"  
  
There was a pause. Kylo deposited one of the kittens carefully in his belt pouch in order to free up a hand to point accusingly, did so, and said "Did you just say  _ Starship Titanic _ ?"  
  
Hux went red. "It's a good film!" he protested as Kylo came towards him.  
  
"It's YOU who keeps taking it out of the library," Kylo breathed, eyes not leaving Hux's face. Behind the general's ankles, Millicent gave Hux a sneaky (and surprisingly forceful) shove with her body, pushing the General into Ren's arms.  
  
Kylo stood stunned for a moment before the kitten he'd transferred so carefully to his belt pouch erupted, unhappy to be squashed, and attached itself firmly to Hux's uniform trousers. At this, Kylo, feeling Hux's delicious panic through the Force, held him still while willing the tiny, sharp creature to ascend Hux's trouser leg. Alas, the kitten seemed more interested in clambering to the ground and nuzzling up to its mother again, leaving Hux and Kylo holding each other awkwardly, each wondering whether this was going to be a slash fic or not.  
  
"So, um," said Kylo, after a long pause in which he frantically searched for anything else to say, and failed. "Do you have homes for all those kittens?"  
  
Hux glanced down at Millie, who was resignedly feeding her brood at his feet.  
  
"I thought you were going to make them your Paws of Ren, or whatever," he replied, a little disparagingly. "Or have you gone off the idea now?"  
  
Ren looked down as one of the kittens started sucking on its own tail, and regretfully concluded that they were too small for world domination just yet. "Yes, but they'll need training up first. If they can't leave Millicent, can I at least visit regularly? To start their training, you understand. Not because of any sexual tension we may or may not have."  
  
Hux sighed. "Yes, alright, fine. But you can forget about snooping through my moisturizer drawer. I keep it locked."  
  
Kylo cursed internally. He comforted himself with the fact that when the Claws of Ren were at full strength, he could unleash them upon far more worthy targets than Hux's skincare vault. Although that as well. But for now his thoughts were preoccupied with how to train the tiny beasts. Cat shelves at every height, on every level; feeders that rewarded aerial takedowns; hundreds of mouse droids brought out of storage, and maybe for the advanced cause he could capture that rotten little BB-8 brat and have them thoroughly disassemble it.  
  
Oh, yes, this was going to be fun.  
  
Kylo composed himself, and looked brightly up. "Very well. When shall we start?"


End file.
